Friday, February 17, 2012


This past year I've experienced a lot.  Job changes and moves... Highs and lows...  Honestly, through it all I've been thoroughly shaken.  There is one thing I know for certain, though.  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) 

The move to Georgia was a good thing.  I was glad to be closer to my parents, siblings, and grandparents geographically.  Jon and I found a town home an hour and a half from Lyons.  Home is where one's mama is, and my mama is in Lyons.

In amongst the good things we've also had devastation.  Reading my post from almost a year ago led me to write this one.

Governor Nathan Deal, last year at Ag Day at the Depot, pointed out that on the farm we learn to value life.  As a child I experienced piglets, kids (of the goat variety), and my very own sister and brother.  I remember how excited I was when Mama was expecting Jessica and John.  I often remind Jessica that I loved her before even Mama and Daddy did.  I remember hugging our baby (John) when Mama was expecting him.  I was going to be a big sister again!  Really, I have loved them both longer than they've been drawing breaths of oxygen.

(My parents planned on me being an only child.  They lost a baby between Jessica and me, but I didn't know it until years later.  When I told my mother I wanted a little sister she told me to pray for one.  I did.  Two weeks later we found out we were going to have a baby!  And to top that off, the baby was due around my birthday!  So I started praying for my little sister to be born on my birthday.  Jessica was born at a time when ultrasounds were only done when the doctor thought there could be a problem.  We didn't know she was a girl--for sure-- until the day she was born... my fifth birthday.  I think if she'd have been a brother we'd have had to have traded her.)

I remember a sermon being preached on abortion. (It was probably Sanctity of Life Sunday.)  I was little, although I don't remember my exact age at the time.  I didn't know what the word meant, so after church I asked my mother, and as tactfully as one can explain something like that, she told me.  I was appalled!  I knew how much I loved Jessica and John BEFORE THEY WERE BORN.  I couldn't imagine someone choosing to take the life of someone who hadn't had a chance at all!

After the last eight months I've become even more passionate about life.  Jon, my husband, and I saw the most magnificent thing we've ever seen last May.  We saw our child!  We saw the baby's heart beat, and it looked like a lightning bug.  I can't tell you how amazing it was!  I was six weeks pregnant and we saw the OBGYN for a confirmation of pregnancy.  The baby looked like a blob, but it was a beautiful blob.

If you're a mother you may have felt that your child was either a girl or a boy early in your pregnancy.  I really believe our first baby was a girl.  We chose the name Elizabeth Grace for her.  We decided to call her Ellie.  (Elizabeth was Jon's grandmother's middle name.  Grace is something none of us could live without.)  Two weeks later our hopes and dreams for the family we were becoming were shattered.  The ultrasound tech couldn't find Ellie's heart beat.  I had a D and C four days later. 

We decided that we would try again.  After all, 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  November 7, 2011, there was a faint second line on the pregnancy test.  Jon saw it before I did.  Again, we were overjoyed, but scared to death.  We decided to keep it a secret until I was through the first trimester.  Then the problems started.  Two days after the positive I knew something was wrong.  I called my doctor and was told not to call back unless my problems were much more severe.  (I then changed to a more caring practice.)  By Thanksgiving it was all over... again.  I call our second baby, whom we never saw but loved very much, Poppy.  He was the size of a poppy seed when he went to Heaven.

In Heaven I have so many loved ones.  My great-grandparents are there.  I have a sister or brother there.  I often think of my Mammy (who passed away in 2005), my Aunt Jenny (who passed away in 1985; I don't remember her, but I know I would have loved her), and my grandfather's second wife Ruby (who passed away in 2009, five months after Jon and I were married) loving on my babies. I also think of Jon's grandmother, the one for whom Ellie was named, loving on them.  I didn't know Mrs. Conrad; she passed away shortly after Jon's parents were married.  I do know, however, that her faith was very dear to her.  I trust her son, my father-in-law, when he says without a doubt that she is in Heaven.  That makes one more person to hold and cuddle Ellie and Poppy until I can get to Heaven to do it myself.

All that said, I can't believe some people purposefully take their children's lives.  I miss Ellie and Poppy every day.  I long for the day I'm with them (and Jesus) in Heaven.

Now I have a chance to share my story.  It's a story of loss, pain, hope, and healing.  I still have a long way to go, but I hope and pray that my story of our little ones in Heaven will help further the Kingdom.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, thank you for sharing your story. It is truly touching. I am sorry about the loss that you and Jon have experienced. I wish that everyone had the caring heart that you have. May God bless you and Jon.